The perspective of an abusive relationship like deciding to get a divorce is a personal one. The courts may have a different view of abuse. The courts and your lawyer can make you understand the law and the process, but getting a divorce is a decision made before seeing a lawyer.

Your lawyer is not your therapist or your best friend. Even if you are in an abusive relationship, your attorney shouldn’t be involved in your decision to get divorced. Your attorney can only advise you on the ramifications of the divorce process or its possible outcomes. Divorce as an outcome of an abusive relationship still has to be decided by you, even if you’re doing it with an attorney in Michigan.

Click here to watch the video Should I Get a Divorce If I’m in an Abusive Relationship in Michigan?

You may have this urge to look for someone to talk to about how and what you’re feeling about your relationship. You want to ease your pain. You think divorce will do it. Maybe talking about divorce with someone like an attorney is the closest you can get to someone listening to you.

Hold that thought. Don’t think about divorce at your absolute lowest. See the truth about what you’re feeling now first. Sort it out.

When You See The Absolutely Lowest Truth About Yourself

There must be a reason why you’re together. For a while back then, this someone you call your spouse must have been great. You and your partner seem to be clicking when you both started this thing called marriage. Maybe both of you are tired.

It all began when you had children. It’s natural to have children. But children need care, need attention, and both of that taken together is hard work. It can be exhausting. Look at your spouse without the tired and angry thoughts. Just be quiet for a moment. You still adore the individual.

There is still love and respect in marriage. You two are open to spending time together. You experience respect. A channel of communication is open.

Do you struggle to imagine life without your partner? Nobody else can experience that degree of comfort with you. Maybe your relationship isn’t actually the root of your difficulties. The issues are not directly connected to your relationship or to your marriage.

In your quiet moment do you still regard marriage as sacred? Do you feel there is complete dedication? Maybe you’re second-guessing yourself.

In spite of all the hurt, and the difficulties, do you nonetheless desire to improve your union? If the answer is no to most of the questions above, maybe divorce is a better option.

Let’s get your perspective about abuse in the right place first before you get there.

I Know The Truth, I’m Revealing An Abusive Relationship

In Michigan, the law and the courts may have a different view of abuse. Domestic abuse is the proper term for this. And what you’re feeling now may, in all likelihood, be falling under what is referred to as emotional and economic abuse. At least most of the time.

The following is by no means an exhaustive list of the methods abusers most frequently employ to exert control over their relationships. If you or someone you know has their personal freedom restricted or is scared of their partner, they may be a victim of domestic abuse.

Physical Abuse

[a] Pushed, kicked, or shoved
[b] Smacked or bitten
[c] Strangled
[d] A blow or punch
[e] Home locked you out
[f] Refused assistance while unwell, hurt, or pregnant
[g] Use of a weapon against you
[h] Being physically restrained and prevented from leaving
[i] Things being thrown at you
[j] Abandoned in a perilous circumstance

Economic Abuse

[a] Denied use of credit cards, bank accounts, or vehicles
[b] The financial decisions are made jointly.
[c] Prevented from obtaining or maintaining employment, or from attending education
[d] Restricts your ability to obtain dental, pharmaceutical, or health insurance

Sexual Abuse

[a] Forced to engage in or witness sexual activity
[b] Being forced into sexual activity or having sexual activity performed on you
[c] Forced to wear more provocative clothing than you’d like
[d] Forced to engage in sexual activity following a physical assault, when ill, or as a requirement of the relationship

Psychological & Emotional Abuse

[a] A threat to hurt you, your loved ones, or your pets
[b] Religion, sexual orientation, color, ethnicity, or beliefs are mocked
[c] Manipulated with falsehoods and inconsistencies
[d] Made to believe that you are responsible for the abuse
[e] Stalked

There’s this common topic about emotional abuse, so let’s go over it. It’s always brought up during divorce negotiations. Do you actually know what it is you’re dealing with when you’re discussing emotional abuse?

The three most common forms of emotional abuse are gaslighting, retribution, and projection. All these forms can be readily covered up.

By rejecting reality, casting doubt on the abused spouse’s sanity, or telling lies, the abuser can escape accountability.

Gaslighting is an abuser’s deliberate attempt to deflect blame away from themselves and onto the victim. It is incredibly manipulative and can seriously harm the victims psychologically.

People prefer to take responsibility for their errors and sincerely try to improve a happy relationship. In a relationship that is emotionally abusive, the abuser will not take responsibility for their intentional actions and hurtful reactions and will not alter their conduct. Instead of resolving issues in a constructive manner, their aim is to exert control.

Retribution can take many different forms, but at its foundation, is punishment. It’s a technique for persuasion and manipulation. an unhealthy stretching of what initially seems to be a limit. However, in reality, retribution occurs when someone suggests that they will punish you if you do something they don’t like. The abuser will injure you physically or emotionally.

It may involve punishing a victim for disobeying instructions from the abuser. Retribution can be used in an emotionally abusive relationship to silence victims, prevent them from visiting loved ones, or coerce victims into doing things they don’t want to do.

When an abuser projects their own undesirable actions onto another person, they are engaging in projection.

Know The Secrets To Survival After This Horrific Relationship

One of the following strategies is the most logical reaction to your fears, wrath, and frustration as you seek a divorce from an emotionally abusive partner.

Record the abuse.

Note the kinds of emotional and/or physical abuse that took place, along with the circumstances. Your case for temporary custody and a restraining order will be more convincing if you have more supporting evidence. If there is any physical injury, visit a doctor. Make sure your spouse cannot access your medical records. The best way to document abuse is to call the police for assistance and let the investigation process document the abuse.

Keep a list of contacts for emergencies.

Keep these contacts, if possible keep it encrypted on your phone or “stitched into a concealed pocket in your wallet or coat,” or on a sheet of paper. Buy a cheap mobile phone and populate it with contact numbers of people you can call in an emergency and leave the phone with someone you trust.

Check for surveillance and stalking.

Be observant, are you seeing familiar but suspicious faces constantly lurking when you go to the grocery or take your kids to school? If you feel you are being followed or stalked, you probably are. Statistically, if you’re a woman, there’s a great possibility of being stalked or assaulted by someone you know. Look for spyware in your computer hardware. Consult an IT expert at work or a smartphone specialist in a mall to learn what to look for and how to secure your computer data.

Reconnect with the outside world.

Connecting with your loved ones, friends, and coworkers is crucial. You ought to pursue your passions. Pursuing your passion is a way to reconnect with yourself prior to the relationship. You should feel more secure about divorcing an emotionally abusive husband and going on with your life if you are more connected to the outside world. Being with people you know brings you close to the normalcy of a former life prior to the abusive relationship

Get emotional support from an expert or specialist.

This specialist can help you sort out what you are really feeling and help you in either saving your marriage or providing you with a way to build your own process of coming to a decision like a divorce. Once you have clarity. Make a decision. If it’s really a divorce then the next step is logical.

Contact a qualified and experienced divorce and custody attorney.

You’ll never know if you’re going to need your attorney sooner or later. A good attorney can help you with clarity.

Now This Is It, Are You Ready For Divorce?

Now you have clarity, you have a vision of what you want your divorce to be. Now you need to prepare yourself to work with your attorney. You need to set the tone as to how you want your divorce to be pursued and the outcomes you want, but you need to be prepared yourself for the process.

Be mindful of your behavior and conduct, especially with your family.

You’re not really sure how anyone close to you will react or respond to you once this decision about divorce comes out. You might want to use extreme caution when acting both before and during the divorce process.

It’s critical to be conscious of your behaviors since anything taken as impolite behavior could be used against you in court. If child custody is a concern in your case, this is very crucial.

Consider spending time with friends and family until the divorce is official rather than trying to find a new partner. Consider remaining close to home and caring for your physical and emotional needs. Even though divorce is never going to be simple, being ready can make the difficult process go more smoothly for everyone involved. This is where connecting to the outside world will work for you.

Find your attorney and share your vision of your divorce.

It’s simpler and less expensive if you and your spouse can resolve your differences amicably. If that’s not feasible, be sure you have an attorney who can and is prepared to take your case to court. Basically, you want an attorney who understands the advantages of settling swiftly but is also prepared to stand up for you if necessary. You need an attorney who has your vision about life and your relationship with your spouse after divorce.

Your divorce attorney will walk you through how divorce is going to be in Michigan. Here’s some of the things you need to be ready for this process.

Get a picture of your finances, yours, and your spouse’s.

Get a comprehensive picture of your financial situation and your spouse’s financial situation. Making an equal distribution of the couple’s assets and obligations is one of the main objectives of the divorce process. It’s critical to have a thorough understanding of all of your finances before entering into divorce settlement negotiations in order to receive your fair share.

Find out what you have first. Some marital possessions are plain to see. It goes without saying your house, any bank accounts, and automobiles are assets that ought to be divided equally. Other less obvious assets can include marital property brought into the union, artwork, pension plans, and inheritances.

Check your personal credit status.

Because you may have shared credit with your spouse for many years, buying a home or automobile might be challenging after a divorce. Because of this, it’s crucial to establish your own and raise your credit score.

If you don’t already have credit in your name, you might want to get some before submitting a divorce petition. Getting a credit card in your name exclusively is a quick and easy way to accomplish this.

Check your common assets and finances to safeguard your share.

When a spouse becomes aware a divorce is imminent, it’s not unusual for them to loot financial accounts. Sometimes it’s done in a fit of rage, and other times it’s done on the counsel of a lawyer for a contentious divorce.

Whatever the situation, you should take steps to safeguard yourself and prevent your spouse from having access to any joint accounts you may have. You can safeguard yourself if you open accounts in your name only, withdraw half the money from the joint accounts, and put it into your new accounts if you are concerned your spouse will do this.

You don’t have to keep it a secret, but you’ll want to watch how you use the funds. Keep track of every dollar you spend so it can be justified in court or during settlement discussions.

You should think about having the accounts frozen if you have savings accounts, money market accounts, or any other form of investment accounts and you worry your spouse would tamper with them. Naturally, you should consult with your attorney before taking any action involving joint financial accounts.

You can read our article about Ex Parte Orders entitled, “What Does Ex Parte Order Mean In Michigan?” to know how to use this to protect yourself and your marital assets.

Close and pay off joint credit accounts.

If at all feasible, pay off and close all joint credit accounts before your divorce. By closing them before the start of divorce procedures, you will prevent your spouse from using the account and accruing charges you could subsequently be held liable for.

You should get the accounts blocked if you are unable to pay the outstanding debts in full or reach a settlement. Although you won’t be able to use the account, doing this will ultimately keep you safe.

Additionally, you should contact your creditors and let them know you are divorcing. Make sure they are aware of any address changes so you continue to get bills from all joint accounts.

Make sure all credit card billings are paid. The divorce process can go on for months, and it only takes one late payment to damage your credit. It will be worthwhile even if you have to make the minimal payments on accounts you know your spouse will ultimately be responsible for.

Sort out your income tax data and documents.

You’ll need proof of your income and of your spouse before you can file for divorce. You will need a copy of your most recent income tax return and pay stubs if you and your spouse are salaried employees.

If you or your spouse work for yourself, calculating your income can be a little more challenging. Copies of bank account records and financial documents from the business will provide a clear picture of the income in this situation. Before submitting a divorce petition, it’s a good idea to make copies of these statements. Gather as much information as you can, even if you can only obtain an estimate of your spouse’s genuine income; your lawyer will be able to assist you in obtaining the remaining details.

Consider the options of staying or leaving the marital home.

It’s typically in your best advantage to hold off on leaving your house until after the divorce proceedings are concluded unless you’re living in an abusive situation. There are a few reasons to stay even if you might be ready to live apart from your spouse.

First off, leaving the house can diminish your interest in it. A judge may take into account the fact that you moved out and your spouse paid the mortgage the entire time your divorce case was ongoing when deciding how to divide the property. Try to continue making a portion of the mortgage payment if things get too difficult and you feel like you need to move. Just be careful to keep track of every mortgage payment you make.

The last thing you want to do is leave the property if you have school-age children and hope to be able to stay in your family home until they finish their education. You might not be able to bargain to keep the house after you leave if your spouse’s income is higher than yours and you want to have them pay the mortgage in whole or in part.

In essence, leaving your house may be detrimental to your case. Don’t do so without first talking to your attorney, especially since a judge in some jurisdictions may take your attorney’s move into consideration for interim custody of the marital residence pending divorce court. You can talk to your lawyer about this choice.

If there is domestic abuse and you are unable to obtain an order of temporary possession, it is imperative you take whatever measures are necessary to protect yourself. If you think your safety is at risk, leave the house. Talk to your attorney if there has been a history of domestic abuse since they might be able to legally get your spouse out of your house.

If you have tried Personal Protective Orders or PPO and were denied, try again. Read our article about this entitled, “Can A Spouse Ask for A PPO Again If Denied In Michigan?” to understand how it can work for you the second time.

Anticipate your cost of living after the divorce.

What you will need to live on after your divorce is up to you. It’s time to estimate your future living expenses while keeping in mind your income may significantly decrease as a result of such a significant life shift. The enjoyable part is figuring out your post-divorce budget. Creating a budget now is preferable to waiting until you’re suddenly confronted with bills you can’t afford.

In order to gain an estimate of how much income you will need to support yourself, you can start by calculating your spending, just like you would with any budget. Additionally, this is crucial because having this knowledge will aid in the negotiation of your divorce settlement. Knowing your financial requirements will help you assess your settlement choices and determine what you might demand in court, if necessary.

After you have done all that, ask yourself again: Should I get a divorce if I’m in an abusive relationship?

You’re almost there. Call your attorney. You’re ready for the next step.

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Goldman & Associates Law Firm is here to with information about Child Custody and Divorce in the State of Michigan.